Magistrates? Courts to be Televised

PUBLISHED December 30, 2013

The Advocate was given a sneak preview of the first programme from Camberwell.

Larry Lizard enters Court 1 to an expectant hush.

Hamish Hamster (from Security, clapping Larry on back, whispering): Go Larry, Go!

Larry acknowledges the crowd and steps into the secure dock.

Wanda Rabbit (Legal Adviser ):...with intent to steal therein.

Larry Lizard: Guilty.

DJ Snugglebunny: Stop that Mexican wave immediately or I will clear the public gallery!

The lowlife wildlife of the Camberwell Barmy Army reluctantly sit down.

Wanda Rabbit: officer in the execution of his duty.

Larry Lizard (triumphant): Guilty!

The motley menagerie goes mental, howling the hometown hymn:

Larry Lizard, he?s a wizard, Larry Lizard, give them Hell! Burgling like a bloody blizzard, He?s the King of Camberwell!

DJ Snugglebunny (shouting above the racket): Remove that Rat waving the inflatable penis! 

Hasty cut to two talking heads with large microphones.

Barry Badger (ex-CPS, now millionaire TV celeb):

And it?s a ton! The Australians will be worried if he?s opening for England  this summer. Turning to Felix Mansfield (ex-defence lawyer, now buffed with Botox, with youthful hair): Well, Feelers, a marvellous  achievement, a magnificent pull to the boundary with that assault PC after the burglary. I confess I thought he was wobbling when he got to 99.

Felix Mansfield: Yes Barry, only a true professional spots a chance like that. One hundred convictions and he?s just 25 years old. It just shows what you can do if you spot a talented youngster in the playground and give him a bag of glue.

Barry Badger:  And we have his uncle, the great Jimbo Polecat, to thank for that.

Felix Mansfield: Yes, indeed: Uncle Jimbo, a villain?s villain. On bail or not, still signs on at Brixton every day on the dot of 4.00. Saves him the trouble of remembering if he needs to. A humble man; he?s never ridden in a car that he hadn?t stolen himself. How does it feel to equal his record, Larry?

Camera on Larry Lizard, now joining the talking heads.

Larry Lizard (holding up the  golden bolt-cutters and grinning like a maniac): Thank you, Felix. It has of course, been a team effort and I would like to thank all those who made it possible. My mother, for never being there when I needed her. Uncle Jimbo who always was, together with his faithful bag of Evo- Stick, my PE teacher who I cannot namecheck because I am giving evidence against him, and every school bully who stole my lunch money whenever I wasn?t excluded.

A big shout to my sponsors, the Temple of Bacchus, for their unfailing support. In my dark days of doubt, when I was cracking under the pressure and starting to listen to my probation officer, they were always there for me. When I had been straight for a month, I knew that there would always be a six for the price of five to get me back in the gutter again. And of course, my dealers, without whom I wouldn?t be where I am today...

? Bruce Reid