Legal Aid

The Final Curtain

PUBLISHED September 25, 2013

Tabitha Toad: So, Fat Cat, last day?

Felix Mansfield: Yeah, never thought I would be nostalgic for GT Stewart?s wages.

Squirrel Nutkin:...all the assistants at Steel and Shamash bathed in asses milk...

Tabitha Toad: Remember Tuckers? hospitality suite? Good job we had the audit; we found three clients living in there; people went burgling just to have the complementary nuts.


Leo Lizard (lopes into dock): Felix! That?s my brief! Over here, bro?!

DJ Voldemort: You can?t have him...

Leo Lizard (puzzled) : OK. "Tiger? Tabby Toad of Tuckers, then?

DJ Voldemort: No...

Leo Lizard: What? I?ve got seven pages of form and six are hers, sees me more often than my babymother!

DJ Voldemort: You?re too thick to pick, so you have got Direct Line Lawyers.

Boris Budgie: I appear, sir. Can I interest you in changing your contents insurance?

DJ Voldemort: Later. Perhaps you would let me jail Leo first?

Boris Budgie: Of course, sir. He will plead guilty.

DJ Voldemort: I assumed that. Six months.

Boris Budgie: You have seven days to change your mind; but we guarantee you a great deal. Better quote elsewhere? We refund the difference! Choose our 12- month option and have two defendants pleading for the price of one!


Marty Mole (list caller): Harold Hare!

DJ Voldemort: Where is his solicitor?

Marty Mole: Ian O?Rourke, live from Berwick on Tweed on video link.

Camera reveals Ian, kilt flapping in horizontal sleet Ian O?Rourke: Harold won?t have it, whatever it is. We do things traditionally up here.

DJ Voldemort: But what are you doing up there?

Ian O?Rourke: Freezing my sporran off, sir.

DJ Voldemort: No, why has Mr Hare got a lawyer from only just south of Shetland?

Ian O?Rourke: Cheaper overheads than London. Cheaper still if you don?t come down at all. Mind you, I didn?t intend to get it, pressed the wrong button on the tender form and ended up with most of Southwark. Can I interest you in some reprehensibly sourced salmon? Had a poacher potted in Berwick this morning and it seems a shame to waste...


Marty Mole: Sammy Seagull!

DJ Voldemort: Where is his solicitor?

Marty Mole: On the way, madam. It?s Ocado Barristers.

Hugo Hamster (screeches to a halt at the advocates? bench): Sorry I?m late. Traffic cones for miles. (Glances at Sammy briefly) Guilty. Not serious is it? Just the usual groping, Sammy?

The final curtainDJ Voldemort: Internet grooming, culminating in forced marriage. You obviously need instructions, so I will put it back.

Hugo Hamster: No way! I?m double parked with a truckload of fish fingers on defrost! If I?ve got a ****ing ticket, it?s the wrong brand of cat food for you three weeks running ? and a lot of nasty root vegetables you didn?t order.


Tabitha Toad: So what are you guys going to do with your lives?

Squirrel Nutkin: TV producer. Don?t know anything about it but I?m shortlisted. It?s the job Grayling used to do. Should be a cinch.

Felix Mansfield: Silver lining. I?m off to head up a trucking company; the Job Centre said I was uniquely qualified.