In the Media

Sketch: David Cameron, crime fighter

PUBLISHED October 22, 2012

In Britain's roughest neighbourhoods, said David Cameron, "drug dealers are career advisers".

I had no idea our schools had sunk so low.

"Ah, Jenkins. Take a seat. Now tell me, have you given much thought to what you'd like to do once you leave school?"

"Well, sir, I've been getting good marks in maths, so I thought I might go into accountancy."

"Hmm. Decent enough job, accountancy, but I can't help feeling a boy of your abilities could aim higher. Tell me, Jenkins - have you ever thought about crack cocaine?"

"Crack cocaine, sir?"

"Crack cocaine, Jenkins. Growing market. High demand. Serious money. Could be a job for life. Ideal for a man with entrepreneurial spirit."

"I see, sir. And what would I need to start dealing crack cocaine? A-levels? An HND? A degree?"

"No no, just an illegal firearm and a couple of murderous heavies would do. I was in the industry myself for 20 years. Still do a little light dealing on the side. If you like I can set you up with a work experience placement in a crack den in Moss Side."

"Thank you, sir."

"Oh, and it might be worth having a chat with Mr Cartwright in the Geography department. He deals hash and ketamine to the Upper Sixth."

This troubling news of career-advising drug-dealers came in the Prime Minister's big speech on crime. He's decided to get tough, or at least talk tough. No more "hug a hoodie". ("For many I'm associated with those three words, even though I never said them. And as you notice, I haven't said them today, either…")

His catchphrase for the Government's new attitude to crime is "tough but intelligent". Criminals must be punished, and punished well, but once they're released, they need more support. After all, he said, "it's not outer space we're releasing these people into". (Unspoken thought: we did consider that, but the money simply isn't there.)

One way he plans to prevent crime is by "strengthening marriage". He didn't actually say how he'll go about strengthening marriage, but perhaps he'll reveal that in a future speech. ("Chris Grayling, the Justice Secretary, will be dispatched to the home of every married couple, so he can mind your kids for the evening while you take the little lady out for a romantic supper.")

Mr Cameron paid tribute to the police. "All of us owe them our respect." A reporter took this handy opportunity to remind him about Andrew Mitchell. Mr Cameron said the police had accepted Mr Mitchell's apology but "since then it's become apparent he wouldn't be able to do his job", so he resigned, "and that was the right decision".

You might wonder why, if it was the right decision for Mr Mitchell to resign, it wasn't the right decision for Mr Cameron to sack him. He supported Mr Mitchell to the end. "Well, look, it's the easiest thing in the world for a Prime Minister to fire someone as soon as something goes wrong…"

And also, apparently, the hardest thing in the world to sack him four weeks later.