Going Paperless

PUBLISHED March 2, 2012

District Judge Cuddles: Mr Badger, the CPS haven?t sent me the advance disclosure, could you oblige?

A few keystrokes later?

Barry Badger (CPS): Do you have it, Madam?

DJ Cuddles: No, I?ve got someone throwing up in an Indian restaurant, looks like a YouTube viral.

Barry Badger: My mistake, is this the defendant now?

Going paperless

DJ Cuddles: Not unless you are prosecuting Three Singing Kittens.

More keystrokes

DJCuddles: Or Hunk of the Month. Great six-pack, but a bit post 9 o?clock watershed.

Barry Badger: (looks at screen with growing horror) Sorry Madam, probably reviewed by senior management; they have a short attention span so they do a bit of Googling?

DJ Cuddles: Mr Nutkin, can the defence help?

Squirrel Nutkin: Sorry, Madam, locked out of the secure email. Can?t remember the name of my first girlfriend.

Felix Mansfield (co-defending): (whispers) Duty in court 2 says it was her?

Squirrel Nutkin: (whispers) But we never kissed, we just?(kicks Mansfield viciously).

Barry Badger: I am not sure if it?s this defendant but I have got someone with a similar name? Careless driving? Sound familiar?

Darren Thug: Result! I?ll have a bit of that! Better than the GBH, ain?t it Squirrel? Guilty, your honour! Had to drive my baby-mother to the hospital.

DJ Cuddles: (gritting teeth) Print it for us, Mr Badger!

Barry Badger: I?m afraid I cannot. A request for a sheet of CPS A4 now needs to be submitted 48 hours in advance to Keir Starmer personally for his signed approval and he almost never replies.

DJ Cuddles: And why not?

Barry Badger: He hasn?t got any paper.

DJ Cuddles: (icily calm) The court will have some. Madam Legal Adviser?

Legal Adviser: Run out, Madam; there was a rumour of a couple of toffee wrappers in Scheduling a week ago, but that came to nothing and the plant recycling HMCTS Memos, Performance Targets and Quality Assurance Leaflets is not on stream till 2014, when it will supply the whole country, bringing much needed employment to Salford.

HMCTS are moving forward with the procurement process after extensive consultation with existing stakeholders in an agreed time-lined framework of meaningful dialogue to minimise disruption during the ongoing roll-out ?..

(During this speech, DJ Cuddles exits for a digestive biscuit and a soothing decaf)

Legal Adviser: (continuing) ...highest standards of customer service.

Squirrel Nutkin: Knew it! ?. ?Amanda?!

Felix Mansfield: You never! The Hot Recorder of Snaresbrook? Bloody liar!

Squirrel Nutkin: (flushing) We were both young, for God?s sake!

Felix Mansfield: Whoo hoo! Got any photos? Fess to Felix now! I?m checking her Facebook. Ooooh! What a babe! (Receives another kicking)

DJ Cuddles: Perhaps the defendant has got the disclosure?

Darren Thug: On my Blackberry, your honour, but the police have that; they are downloading some threatening messages from that baby-mother. The bitch is harassing me.

DJ Cuddles: (despairing) Mr Nutkin, lend Mr Thug your laptop, please.

Squirrel Nutkin: Not likely, never got it back last time.

Darren Thug: Sorry, I needed some drugs.

DJ Cuddles: I share your pain. I will rise.