Practice and Procedure

Birthday Joy

PUBLISHED November 27, 2013

10 am

Squirrel Nutkin: Pre-sentence reports for Sherman Stoat? Creative writing, Felix?

Felix Mansfield: The usual. It says: test drive him on a deferred sentence to see if he can feel his way into the drug intervention project?s office.

Squirrel Nutkin: Does he have GPS?

Felix Mansfield: Easy, same address as his birth certificate. Or maybe it was his wedding (two birds with one stone, both needing methadone.) Squirrel Nutkin: What?s the report like?

Felix Mansfield: I quote: "There are some positive signs. He has reduced his crack usage; emphysema means he cannot inhale as much. He has attended more of his appointments on time, albeit because he is homeless and has taken to sleeping in my waiting room. He now shows greater interest in undertaking gainful employment; his latest arrest concerns an allegation of dealing drugs in the Job Centre.? Squirrel Nutkin: Showed up for the fast delivery report?

Felix Mansfield: Sort of. Bernie Barn-Owl from Probation interviewed him after staking out the House of Bottles. Lured him into the back room with the promise of a can and wouldn?t let him out till he?d promised to reform. Said it saved his office from stinking of eau de cidre for two weeks.

11.15 am

Felix Mansfield: Where?s Sherman? He?s on next. Bernie Barn-Owl: I?ve just seen him wandering off hand in hand with Oonagh Otter.

Felix Mansfield: What? She of the strangulating shorts and belly-button bling?

Bernie Barn-Owl: The same. Got me worried now about his commitment to the drug rehabilitation requirement.

Felix Mansfield: Nah, he?s scared even DJ Cuddles is going to give him six months and you can get drugs in prison but you can?t get...

Squirrel Nutkin and Bernie Barn-Owl: (in horrified chorus) Stop! We are losing our lunch!

Felix Mansfield: I reckon with the heels she?s wearing they won?t have got further than DJ Puffin?s Daimler in the underground car park. He?ll be back though: he has got the hots for Wanda Rabbit; when she?s clerking, he loves saying, "Guilty, mistress!? His eyes go misty with lust.

4 pm prompt

Felix is taking instructions outside, Sherman having been refused entry by Security because he was surgically attached to a can of Kestrel. Holding him aloft and defying the Law of Physics, it is suspended in mid-air with Sherman hanging off it like a paralytic pole-dancer.

Felix Mansfield: Let me hold the can, Sherman, while you sign the legal aid form....

Sherman Stoat: No! You?ll f*****g drop it, like last time, Felix!


DJ Cuddles: What?s the mitigation this week, Mr Mansfield? Bereavement, forthcoming fatherhood or terminal cancer?

Felix Mansfield: None of those, Madam. He has joined the Hare Krishnas and will henceforward spend his life banging a tambourine annoyingly in Oxford Street...That?s when he is not meditating. Further, Madam, may I remind you that it is the LCCSA?s birthday?

DJ Cuddles: Doughnuts all round! I will suspend sentence with a condition that he?s excluded from all of London save the City of Westminster. That will serve DJ Voldemort right for banning his own ASBO merchants and parking them on us. Ruin his figures for a change!